Baltics with Issues
by Crazee Canadia
Summary: Based of Llamas with Hats on YouTube. There is a Carl for each Baltic to play - because there are three Llamas with hats - and other FilmCow Hetalia parodies!
1. Theres a dead Russian in our house!

****If you've seen something like this already on this site, Crazy Canadia would like to read it and make sure she didn't accidentally copy someone. **_**Llamas with Hats**_** is owned by Filmcow on YouTube. And the Baltics used in this story belong to H.H. Danke!**  
_**

Today, Eduard had just returned home from grocery shopping – because Raivis was too chicken to go by himself and Toris ran off to try and get up Natalia's skirt. (Although he always ends up in Feliks' bed...)

Estonia walked into the house and saw Ivan against the wall, lots of blood all over the place – and Latvia was standing in the room innocently as always.

"Latvia! There's a dead Russian in our house!" Estonia cried.

"Oh, heeeeyyyy how did he get here?" Latvia asked, still looking innocent.

"Laatviaaa, what did you do?"

"M-me? I didn't do this."

"Explain what happened Latvia!" Estonia pointed at the Russian (whose name was completely forgotten due to something going on.)

"I've never seen him before in my life!" Latvia blinked.

"Why did you kill this Russian, Latvia?"

"I do not kill Russians, that is – that is my _least_ favorite thing to do."

"Tell me, Latvia, exactly what you were doing before I got home."

"Alright, well; I was upstairs –"

"OK."

"- I was uh; I was sitting in my room –"

"Yes."

"- reading a book –"

"Go on."

"- and uh, well this Russian walked in- "

"OK."

"- so I went up to him –"

"Yes."

"- and I uh stabbed him thirty seven times in the chest."

After a few seconds of silence, Estonia said, "Laaatviaaa that _kills_ people!"

"Oh!" Latvia exclaimed, "Wow, I – I d- I didn't know that!"

"Laatviaa how could you not know that?"

"Hey, I'm in the wrong here, I suck."

"What happened to his hands?"

"What's that?"

"His hands, why – why are they missing?"

"Well I uh, I kinda cooked then up. And ate them."

Another few seconds of silence, "Laatviiiaaa!"

"Well I – I was hungry and, y'know, when ya crave hands that's –"

"Why on earth would you do that?"

"I was hungry for hands! Gimme a break!"

"Laaatviiiaaa!"

"My stomach was making the rumblies."

"Latvia!"

"That only hands would satisfy."

"What is _wrong_ with you Latvia?"

"Well, I-I kill Russians and I eat hands that's – that's two things."

Toris then walked in the door, seeing Ivan on the floor and saying, "Eduard! There's a dead Ivan in our house!"

"Oh, hey, how did he get here?" Latvia asked.


	2. Where are the other life boats?

****Chapter two, because I'm just that weird. **  
_**

A cruise ship just sunk, and we have our Baltics in a life raft floating away in the distance. Hmm, let's listen in on their conversation.

Toris looked over at Eduard, "Eduard! What on earth was all that?"

Eduard calmly replied, "I'm not sure what you're referring to."

Raivis stood up, "You _sunk_ and _entire_ cruise ship Eduard!"

Eduard again replied, "Are you sure that was me? I – I would think I would remember something like that."

"Eduard," Toris said, "I watched you fire a harpoon into the captain's face."

"That sounds dangerous."

Raivis pointed, "You were head butting children off the side of the ship!"

"That uh; that must've been horrifying to watch."

"And then you started making out with the ice sculptures." Toris scooted back some.

"Thank God the children weren't on board to see it."

"Uh, Eduard – why is the life boat all red and sticky?" Raivis lifted up his foot, red sticking to his shoe.

Eduard looked down, "Well I guess you could say it's red and sticky."

Toris stood up, "Eduard, what are we standing in?"

"Would you believe its strawberry milkshake?"

Raivis shook his head, "No I would not believe that."

"Uh, melted gumdrops."

"No."

"Boat nectar."

"No."

"Some of God's tears."

"Tell us the truth, Eduard!"

"Fine. It's the weird Russian couple from 2B."

Toris gaped before saying, "EEEduuuard!"

"Well, they were, uh, they were taking all the crescent rolls."

"I can't believe what I'm hearing!" Raivis exclaimed.

"I will not apologize for art."

Toris looked around, "Where are the other life boats?"

"Whoa, you won the prize I didn't even notice that."

"Where are the other life boats Eduard?"

"Looking at the trajectory of the moon and the sun," Eduard looked at the sky, "Probably at the bottom of the ocean. I bit lots of holes in them."

Raivis gaped, "EEEduuuard!"

Eduard nodded, "I have a problem, I have a serious problem."

Toris pointed and shook his head, "You are just – _terrible _today –"

"Shh!" Eduard held a finger over his mouth, "Do you hear that? That's the sound of forgiveness."

"That's the sound of people drowning Eduard!" Raivis fussed.

"That is what forgiveness sounds like. Screaming and then silence."


	3. You toppled a Russian government!

****Because Toris needs a turn being the insane Carl! **  
_**

Somewhere in Russia – because our European Baltics wanted to go there.

"Toooorrriiis!" Raivis whined, "We're supposed to be on vacation!"

Toris turned from the burning city and smiled, "I don't know about you but I am having a wonderful time here."

Eduard then said, "You toppled a Russian government, Toris!"

"The people have spoken: Viva La Resistance!"

"You pushed the resistance leader into a _giant fan_." Raivis said.

Toris' excuse, "He was a traitor and a scoundrel."

Eduard's reply was, "He was trying to stop you from pushing _other_ people into a giant fan."

Then, a foot shape kicked out of Toris' stomach before his body returned to normal; followed by him saying "Whoa, that was a foot – I appeared to have swallowed an entire person."

Raivis grimaced at the Lithuanian before saying, "That would be the hotel bartender."

"Well, that explains why my vodka cocktail is taking so long."

"It was horrifying." Eduard sighed, "Your mouth unhinged like a snake."

"Wow that sounds pretty awesome."

"We can't go anywhere with you, Toris!" Raivis spat.

Toris grabbed his chest, "That hurt my feelings, now we're both in the wrong."

"I wanna go home." Eduard started to pull the other two away, "We're leaving."

"In that case." Toris said, "I should probably mention that our luggage is filled with Russian meat."

"W-WHAT?" Raivis squeaked.

"Well, I'm building a meat dragon and not just any meat will do."

"Y'know what? Forget it; I'm not even shocked anymore." Eduard said.

Toris whined, "Aww, that's no fun."

"This has become the norm for you Toris." Raivis pointed out.

"I'll have to try harder next time."

"Please don't."

"I feel like I've been issued a challenge."

"Toooorrriiis!"

"It's to late now! You..."

Raivis cocked his head in question, "You?"

Toris shrugged, "I totally don't remember your name."

"We've all known each other for three years Toris!" The other two Baltics yelled.

"And what an impression you've made." Toris looked at Raivis

"My name is Raivis."

"What?"

"I said my name is Raivis."

"Oh." Toris looked at Raivis with a shocked expression, "I thought you were a woman."

"Why would you think that?"

"Mostly how you act and dress. Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure."

"Well." Toris turned to walk away, "If you'll excuse me I have some pictures to delete from my computer."


	4. Meet Ukraine, she's real nice

****I saw that Filmcow had uploaded a video called Stanley and the Pineapple. I could not resist, a parody with the video popped into my head including Ukraine! Hope you enjoy, Stanley and the Pineapple + Llamas with Hats belongs to the peeps at Flimcow and the characters used here are owned by H.H. **  
_**

One fine day, Ukraine was walking down the street towards her brother Russia's house to comfort him – someone toppled his government and he really needed her company; because Belarus would take it as an advantage.

Her walk stopped when she heard; "Watch your step now! Wouldn't want you to squish me!"

Ukraine looked around quickly, "What?" she looked down, "Whoa."

"Don't be afraid! I'm just a good lookin' Lithuanian! What's your name?" the man on the ground asked.

"Ukraine."

"Nice to meet ya Ukraine. I fell from the sky! Isn't that interesting?"

"You fell from the sky?"

"Lots of countries fall from the sky." The Lithuanian said. Just then, another country landed down next to him.

"Hey guys!" he said.

"Hey Latvia! This is Ukraine! She's real nice."

"Hey Ukraine! I'm a sweet Latvia!"

"Nice to meet you both." Ukraine said casually, although she was giving a questioning look. Another country fell form the sky and landed on the ground in front of the other two and snapped in half.

"Uh oh! I split in two!" he said, as if he were a child that just made a mistake.

The Lithuanian looked at him with sympathy, "That's just bad luck Estonia."

"Are – are you OK?" Ukraine asked with an eyebrow raised.

"Probably not." Estonia replied, "I think I'm gonna die now bye guys."

"Bye Estonia!" Latvia said.

"Aw, you didn't get to meet Ukraine, she's real nice." Lithuania said.

"Hey Ukraine sorry I can't stay longer but I gotta go to heaven now see ya'll!" he closed his eyes and stuck his tongue out.

After a second of silence, Toris snarled; "He's not goin' to heaven."

"Estonians have unlucky souls." Latvia added.

"I should, probably be heading off." Ukraine said.

"Oh why don't you take Estonia with ya and drop him off at the pawn shop, get you a nice sum of cash?"

"Uh, no thanks."

"Suit yourself. I bet he's worth a lot."

"I don't know he kinda let himself go he could be worthless."

Another country fell from the sky and landed next to Latvia, "Like, hi guys!"

A pause before Lithuania said, "Why did you even come here Poland, nobody likes ya."

"Awww." Poland said.

The next thing Ukraine knew, Russia was running down the opposite side of the road – Belarus following with a wedding form.


	5. Where's my money Prussia?

****OK so for this chapter I'm giving my widdle Baltics a break.  
****Toris: THANK YOU!  
****Anyway, today we have special guest star Russia the Guy That Drinks Vodka. Along with Ukraine and Belarus being totally OOC. Please enjoy another FilmCow Parody. Charlie teh unicron plotline belongs to FilmCow, I'm just making a friggin' parody here peeps.****

Outside the world meeting building, Russia stood outside looking around and sipping his vodka.

"Russia! Russiaaa!" Ukraine and Belarus ran over.

Russia, ticked about being bothered, sighed and snapped; "What?"

"We gotta go!" Ukraine said, "We're burning this place down."

Right then and there, the entire building burst into flames. Russia looked up worriedly and said, "Oh, w-what about all the nations in the building?"

"Well clearly they're gonna burn a lot." Belarus said.

"Aw well that isn't nice." Ukraine responded.

Belarus snapped, "Man, shut the _he~ll_ up."

"You shut the _he~ll _up."

"No, you shut the _he~ll_ up."

"You – you can both go, and, shut the hell up." Russia said.

"I wasn't talking to you Russia!" Belarus growled.

"_**RAINBOW BLEH!**_" Ukraine then barfed a rainbow right on the steps.

_**THEN, IN THE KINGDOM OF RUSSIA-NESS...**_

"Holy crap we're on a bridge." Belarus stated the obvious.

Ukraine then crawled under the rope and jumped off, "_**OH GOD I'M FALLING **__I HAD SO MUCH to live _fooooorrrrr..."

Russia looked over the edge after her, "That is – tragic."

"Not as tragic as your face!" Belarus snapped.

"Oh, c'mon, that was uncalled for." Russia was hurt.

"Your face is uncalled for." Belarus crossed her arms.

"Hey guys." Ukraine walked up behind Russia.

"Where the hell you been!" Belarus cried.

"Oh y'know; saw a movie, got some coffee."

"I want some coffee!"

"I – I could go for some coffee to." Russia commented.

Belarus narrowed her eyes, "Well ya can't come ya son of a bitch."

_**AND THEN BACK NEAR THE MEETING BUILDING**_

"Hey look it's that Prussian punk." Belarus saw Prussia standing against a wall.

"He owes me twenty bucks." Ukraine said.

"Hey, Prussia! Yo, Prussia!"

Prussia looked at them before saying, "I'm awesome I'm awesome I'm awesome."

Belarus and Ukraine looked at each other, "What the hell he say?" Belarus asked.

"Man I have no idea." Ukraine responded.

"I'm awesome I'm awesome I'm awesome."

"Where's my money Prussia?"

"I'm awesome I'm awesome I'm awesome."

That was when the fire that burnt down the meeting building appeared behind Prussia, engulfing the wall.

"Oh crap the fire's back." Belarus grabbed Russia's arm.

"I want my twenty bucks Prussia!" Ukraine held out her hand, that was when Prussia caught on fire. "Oh no, Prussia's on fire."

"I'm awesomely burning help me!" Prussia said.

"Stop drop and roll man!" Belarus pulled the other two along.

_**AND NOW TO MOSCOW. LOL, COW THAT BELONGS TO A MOSQUE.**_

"Well here we are, at Moscow." Belarus said, everyone admiring that weird building that everyone thinks of whenever they hear about Moscow.

"This is lovely, this – this is a lovely vacationing spot." Russia said.

Belarus nodded, "Yeah, yeah, should be nice... except for the **PANDA!**" They looked up at the sky – nothing. "... there was supposed to be a panda there."

"Oh." Russia said.

"Man, we put a deposit down and everything!" Ukraine kept looking at the sky.

"Yeah, there's – there's no panda."

Belarus got in Russia's face, "Well I can see that, _obviously!_"

That was when a huge panda fell on the ground next to them, making the ground shake.

"Oh my God!" Ukraine yelled.

"Oh that scared the crap outta me." Belarus added.

A few seconds of silence before Ukraine said, "Well, there's the panda."

"Yep." Russia said.

"Behold the horror." Belarus said.

"That is pretty scary."

They looked at each other before Ukraine started walking off, "I'm hungry let's find a Shvydko."

* * *

****Done! OK, so here's something for ya guys who aren't in Russia/Ukraine/Belarus! (At least I hope so.)**

"I'm hungry let's find a Shvydko."

**Svhydko is a Ukrainian fast food restaurant that serves Ukrainian (duh), hence why Ukraine wanted to go there. I don't know quite exactly what it was, I had my sister look it up for me because I was too lazy to do it myself. Anyway, hoped it at least made you smile. Typing Ukraine barfing a rainbow made me laugh myself.****


	6. Raw Face is just Gross

****Llamas with Hats belongs to Jason Steel and FilmCow. Hetalia belongs to H.H. I own nothing. ****

One fine day in the house somewhere in between Asia and Europe (for those who don't really care about foreign placement of homes), Ukraine just came home from walking around in the park and being traumatized by seeing falling countries again. She opened the door, sighing as she entered. "дерьмо *, I feel like I need a nap…" Ukraine started, looking up and seeing Russia standing in the middle of the room.

Mud track on the carpet leading right to him.

"Russia!" Ukraine groaned, "You've tracked mud all over the carpet!"

Russia looked down, blinking in surprise, "Now that right there is a mess, da?"

With a groan, Ukraine continued, "I just had it cleaned yesterday, Ivan."

"I'm not responsible for this, I've been jamming on the balalaika* all morning."

"They're _clearly_ your shoe prints, Russia!"

"Then there is an imposter on the loose!"

"They lead directly to you!"

"Clue number one, the imposter is a призрак*!"

"Russia, stop avoi –"

Just then, a loud booming sound about deafened Ukraine's ears, the house blew up (but somehow the countries inside were fine, including Belarus who was sitting in a corner doodling little kiddy pictures of her and Russia on their _sure to happen_ wedding day). Looking left, she saw a mushroom cloud was rising from far away. At first Ukraine thought that England tried to cook again, but realized that what had just exploded was Poland's capital of Warsaw.

After a moment of quiet shock Ukraine turned back to her brother. "Iiiivaaaan!"

"С Днем Рождения*!" Russia said cheerfully, as if he had just shown Ukraine a fancy new car instead of blowing up Warsaw.

"It's not –" Ukraine eyeballed back at the mushroom cloud, "- please tell me you had nothing to do with this! You could start a war!"

"Why don't you blow out your candle?"

"You've gone too far this time, Russia!"

"Что это такое*? It's hard to hear you over the sound of melting Polish city!"

"How did you even do this?"

"A dollop of Marzanna* ashes."

"Ivan!"

"I ripped a tag off a mattress."

"This isn't funny Russia!"

"Who's laughing? Clearly not all the Poles that just exploded."

Ukraine threw her arms up. "Чорт візьми*! I'm leaving; I've had enough of this!"

Russia grabbed her arm, "But think of all the perfectly roasted faces we get to munch on now!"

"What! Why?"

"Because we're siblings; and siblinghood is a brother and sister munching on a well cooked face together."

"That isn't siblinghood Ivan, that's sick!"

"Well then you're probably _not_ going to like your birthday decorations."

"It's not even my –" Ukraine about threw up when she saw what Russia was talking about. "– О моя Бог."

Faces, fried off and hanging onto yellow and blue balloons, started to float towards the countries. "Surprise!" Russia chimed happily.

"Oh, ah, ohh, gawww…" Ukraine tried not to puke.

"I'm sorry, I thought you liked faces, obviously there's a miscommunication."

"This is, _awful_, Ivan."

"You're right, it's not nearly as tasteful as I pictured in my head."

"I think I'm gonna throw –" Ukraine jumped and flinched back, "-О Бога*, one touched me."

"This was _clearly_ the wrong way to go."

"You think, тупиця!"

"What can I say? I expected them to be cooked more, raw face is just _gross_."

"T-that isn't the problem Ivan! What made you think this was a good idea!" Ukraine spat, waving her arms around carefully so she wouldn't touch another flying face.

"Maybe because I'm a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence." Russia deadpanned, Belarus now clinging onto his arm in shock of having a face stuck on hers.

"Oh." Ukraine slapped her forehead. "I forgot."

"I don't understand how you _do_ keep forgetting that."

Meanwhile, Poland had just collapsed from a heart attack and America was sending all his troops in the Middle East to go attack Russia so he wouldn't be the next one bombed.  
_

***Crappy Google Translate and Wikipedia stuff! Tell me if I got a word or and object wrong so I can fix it please and thank you.**

**дерьмо – Ukrainian – Crap/Shit. (I had another word for this, but I went back and checked it again and it said it was Bulgarian :/)**

**Balalaika – Russian – this is actually a Russian instrument.**

**Призрак – Russian – phantom (You'd know if you watched the real Llamas With Hats 4.)**

**С Днем Рождения – Russian – happy birthday.**

**Что это такое – Russian – What's that?**

**Marzanna – Russian/Polish – it's a doll that Polish people burn. At least, so said Wikipedia.**

**Чорт візьми – Ukrainian – Heck. (Kind of a long word… not so sure…)**

**О моя Бог – Ukrainian – Oh my God.**

**О Бога – Ukrainian – Oh God.**

**Тупиця – Ukrainian? – Dumbass (OMG Ukraine cusses to!)**

**Well, tell me if something is wrong. *Gasp* Crazee Canadia! *waves arms* SHES ALIIIIIVE!**


End file.
